no room for me.

hm,

you talk too much and I don't care.

Fucuudsfdsjfsdfsfsadfafdgjsajdfsjfsdjlsadfjkfsdajkfsajkfsdajksadfjkjkdfskjdfs jklafs d


theres nothing interesting, not even remotely interesting in my head anymore
its the same old shit
i just want to fucking cuddle and stop thinking

hummmm

do you ever why you were born the way you were? why were you programmed to be like this, or that, and what meaning it had to your life?

i am wondering that right now. i never knew all this capacity to hate and love until now and i'm just wondering, what was the point of learning this skill set? because i feel and think way more than before.

before i was logical, now i threw that out of the window for emotional everything.

i fucking sound like a hipster song.

My trust issues,

are just Nick issues.


I feel like at this point, I'll take anything that is stable and will cuddle me at night.

I have so much love to give and no where to pour it.

There's a voice in my head that's telling me that I only have so much love to give because I don't know how to love myself, though.

Man, I'm so god damn lonely.

I hate how much I love you..

It is a strange feeling,

knowing how much you love someone, how much you are willing to endure, how much you're willing to give up, do, spend, commit,


and then you have those little reminders that they wouldn't do the same,
not because it is wrong, or if there is a right thing to do,

but it just is that feeling telling you,
there is no space for you here.

Leave.
Leave.
Leave.


It's a weird sinking feeling creeping you in the gaps of time reminding you that there was the potential to be amazing, but there was not enough room for me in your life.

I guess that is keeping me from spilling my heart out to you now -

or I guess how you would put it is - this is how I am keeping from drowning you in this again.


Hum.

Today I feel peaceful

knowing that my next relationship, I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever.
going through the rest of my life, I'm striving to be the best version of myself possible, and I'm so excited when that transformation is complete.

I'm just excited for where the rest of life takes me.

I actually was able to sleep last night and struggled to get out of bed today when my alarm went off.
It's nice to be able to sleep - you don't realize how nice it is to be able to sleep through the night until you can't. I'm glad that I feel no need to cry, no heavy hearted feeling all day long, a lack of attachment to my phone, and just excitement for the future and a little bit of solemn for what has happened this month.

But you know, I need to learn how to live with no regrets. I need to let go of my baggage and focus on being the best version of myself.

..I'm so excited. Every time I think of who I am now, compared to before, I feel my lips curving into a small smile because I already know I'm so much better than before. I'm not going to look for love, but I'm excited for when I get to be a girlfriend again and just.. give it my all. I don't know when that'll be, but I don't mind being alone either. I am just happy to be better than before.

...yes.

Things to focus on:
- money for plane ticket to Europe by Dec
- a real job
- minimizing the things I own