My headache is finally gone.. This past month I've been in a real funk, just sort of numb to things that would usually make me happy and extremely affected by things that I would usually be able to shrug off my shoulders.
Like some dumb sad cliche, I cried myself to bed then confronted Nick about everything that's been bothering me. It takes so much balls to just confront someone in general, and it's even more difficult for me because I can't always convey what I mean in my head into words to make someone else understand. This is the best way I can explain my relationship with words. Because after I let things simmer in my mind, I can cook up the perfect way to explain someone why what they did made me upset - and it's totally rational. But in that moment, I get so caught up in my emotions, I get so WOUND UP, that I can't. All I can talk about is how unhappy it made me and... then the spiral goes on. I'm glad that even though was Nick and I's first "fight" since we lived together, it wasn't much of a fight and more like a conversation, where there was listening and understanding the other person's POV rather than defending ourselves and shifting blame.
I guess I cried so much and since I didn't eat or drink much of anything yesterday, I went to bed with a terrible pounding headache, woke up with one, and through some internet research, I found out I was just extremely dehydrated.. But honestly, I haven't cried that much in so long. I haven't let how I honestly feel about what people do in so long. It reminded me of that one night I felt alone, and either kept a pack of cigarettes or a bottle of wine as company and watched American Beauty and suddenly felt this blanket of relief and joy cover me because I realized that the world doesn't revolve around me. That things may be shitty around me, but that's cause I'm not looking in the right places, the bad things might keep happening, but so are the good things.. Now I'm just rambling.
But I mean.. I feel more and more like MYSELF.
I'm glad I'm better at communicating and telling people what makes me upset.
I'm glad I found that Brand New CD and blast it everyday to and from work, singing in the car.
I'm more and more happy with my purchases, even though they're a bit pricier because I love the things I own more and less irritated because I'm not surrounded by shit I don't use.
I'm glad I'm not so emotionally invested in school that I'm finding that these 5 classes I need before I graduate might completely obliterate what little motivation I have left.
I'm just proud and glad of who I am.
I'm glad I'm not the needy, bratty child I was before, never communicating but constantly getting upset, expecting people to just understand.
I'm glad I'm not the impulsive materialistic person I was before, buying anything without any real thought.
I'm just glad, I am not who I was, and I'm finally who I am.
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