Thinking about thinking

I think about how much money I spend and how much shit I own. I really don't own that many things, it's gotten down to the point where I've run out of things to get rid of. I think about how much money I spend and I wonder where it all goes. 

I think about how exhausted I am and how I really don't want to talk to anyone during this car ride. I think about how much gas is and how much I've used delivering food to people that I'm not sure why they need food. I think about the guy that gave us a happy smile when we picked up all the meals.

I think about the grandma from yesterday. I think about how I am thinking more than I can type. I am thinking about how she was a true grandma and how my grandma-moms side and nicks grandma-moms side are one of the truest grandmas I know. True angels. My grandma rarely ever scolded my mom and was so nice to us. I think about laying in the blue bedroom at my old house which is an all black neighborhood now and her telling me kids stories like the 3 little piggies in Chinese. I think about when I cut my nails too short myself and regretting everytime I did something because my mom wasn't around and on a business trip and I couldn't wait for her. I think about how my mom got her current job and how she was so excited to tell me and my sister about how she'll be home more and working from home and going out to see clients. I think about when my sister and I both got stomach flu and we moved a bed into her office at home and we slept all day.

I think about how my mom fed our creativity and only scolded us if we were going into a bad path but not if we were just being kids. I think about how meeting one grandma at a restaurant in a bad neighborhood who was gonna let us go without paying because we barely could communicate and we only had card. We came back and tipped 60%. 

I think about how she reminded me of all the golden women I've met in my life and how I'll never be like them but admire all they are. Because they are true angels. Golden.

Selfless.

Nurturing. 

Forgiving. 

I think about nick, here, next to me, and how much I love him. And I think about my sisters comment about how I need to want things for a long time and need to own things for a long time and how she can't commit to anything and doesn't think about much of anything for as long as I do and how I'm the one in a committed relationship. 

I think about my backpack and how I got it freshman year for high school and how it's been with me for almost a decade. I think about all my beaten up wallets that I've tried to make work despite broken zippers and straps and seams. I think about how much thought I put into what I own. 

I think about how the only people I talk to every single day is my sister, my little, nick and probably every other day for my parents and I think about how I am so okay with that. 

I think about dancing and how happy it makes me and how for the first time I don't care what anyone thinks and I think about how I think this is the happiest and most lost I've been in my entire life..