Tuesday night

It feels crazy being in my room right now, and I can't tell you how bad I miss my car. A night drive, singing at the top of my lungs, sitting in silence lost in thought, windows down feeling the cold kiss of the night, anything will strike a blanket of nostalgia onto me.. 

It's crazy being in my room right now, staring at the blank walls, laying in my old foam bed, remembering all the versions of myself that have ever been here. It feels somber because it reminds me of all the different naive versions of myself before things started falling together... and apart.

It makes me well up with tears remember the nights where I should've just been glad that I was the best company I could've asked for, instead of mourning for someone who didn't give a damn about me... It reminds me of my damaged mental health and my slow recovery... 

It reminds me of high school and texting all the time, laying in bed glued to my phone. It reminds me of days where I laid in bed staring into my endless walls plastered with pieces and memories of people and places I loved and listening to the new Paramore album my best friend at the time burned for me.. It reminds me of me living out simple joys and giving me that temporary feeling of being all these versions of me again. 

Yeah, I would've done things differently if I could've gone back, not all, but most, I wouldn't have worn size 7 jeans when I was actually a size 3 for half of high school, I wouldn't have worn long sleeves and long pants for almost all 3 years, I wouldn't have been the living coat hanger for all my oversized clothing because of the self image issues I was fighting with... I wouldn't have been so introverted and lost in my own world and actually taken up offers to hang out instead of flaking because I was so introverted that thinking about hanging out with people make me stress out and overthink like no other. I would've gone back into time and shook myself that I was completely fine. 

I would've not worried about boys, I dip back temporarily now, seeing myself and my crushes that I did nothing with. How I knew how many shoes one had. How I loved how that one played guitar. How I just loved his humor. How every time I crushed on someone, I thought they were literally the best. How I think nick is the best and I'm so proud of when I get to call him mine. It makes me want to cry just to wonder if he's proud that I'm his. 

I lay here in my bed and I just watch this room act like a constant cauldron for my thoughts. I think it would be nice if someone to join me but let's be honest... Social interaction can exhaust me. I don't know how I feel about introverted I am. I have learned so much about myself these past two years, learning how to deal and work around my own quirks.. I miss how I held my friendships back then and I wonder why I can't find that right now. Guess it's just not the time. I miss having a best friend all the time, being alone can get tiring just like being around people all the time. One day again maybe I will let someone enter my mind and share what's in here... But for now I am happy with myself. I know better than to open it to the wrong person or at the wrong time now. 

For now, tonight, I feel more inside my world than ever. Completely alone, listening to this song, just me and my thoughts. This has always been me.