honestly world,

i don't know who reads this.
but i haven't been this sad in my life in a very long time..

something to believe in - aqualung

for some random point in time, this was my favorite song. this past year, i haven't really given music a fair share of my time. i mean, i listen to it.. but not like before. i used to use each song, each album as a little time capsule of where i was in life at that time, you know?

man, i haven't been this sad, lost, confused in a while. i wish i had more to write but i don't. i'm just very lost right now. i fucked up big time.

i just.. don't want to be awake for this part of my life.
ha ha ha, i remember this feeling, so familiar. i just wanted company, so i went and hung out with anyone who gave me any sort of attention. i just wanted something to numb or distract my body, so i smoked and drank. but at the end of the night, what's the point of it all?

here's a reminder to myself the one lesson last time taught me:
i am great company for myself..
when i look back and i see myself doing all these things that aren't me,
i need to remind myself the hurt slowed down the nights i stayed up all night watching movies that became my favorites, driving nights sobbing listening to songs that spoke a truth i could never explain any better, sitting in my room staring at the ceiling letting the hurt in, so it would be easier to get over.. i need to remember these lessons i learned.

i don't want to drink. i don't want to smoke. i don't want to spend time with boys who aren't nick.

this time,
i want this music to be loud, drowning out the thoughts bouncing around in my head.
i want all the movies and books to help rediscover parts of myself i forgot.
i want to ignite a passion in myself to help drive myself forward.
i want to immerse myself in knowledge and experiences.
i want the void to be filled with things that are from within.

and i guess i'm going to just do that.
try to be productive.
blast music very loud.
read books.
do everything i love and remember what it was like to be in love with myself.

you know, i never got how people could just go out and just start jumping back into the dating world. kissing, making out, spending time, having sex with people right away. i feel like to really break from this, i need at least a year of just pure complete solitude. maybe more.

other wise, i feel like every boy that will come after nick, is not someone i want, just someone to fill the void. and i would constantly compare to nick. just.. relate everything back to nick. and i don't want that for two reasons..
1) i deserve complete closure
2) it's not fucking cool to play with people's feelings
3) the thoughts at night would become even more entangled.

i really need to work a lot on myself. being alone is such a scary thing in my life.. maybe because it's such a familiar feeling of all the darkest pockets that have found their way to squeeze into my life. sigh, i just.. don't want to be awake for this. i want to fast forward when i have some stability again. i want to just, take sleeping pills and sleep this whole phase off, wake up in a different time in my life.. i just, i just.. i just don't like this at all.

please world, throw me a bone. i can't do this on my own. the silence speaks so loud.. but filling this space with my favorite movies and songs is starting to make me feel better. let's home time continues speeding through my life like it has been all year long.