thinking

I am never happy with anything I write anymore. It never seems like what is really on my mind.. I don't know what I'm saying.

What do I think about all day? 

I would say what keeps me up at night or what thoughts linger when darkness falls but honestly, I'm the best at falling asleep now. I have never been at a point in my life where I could fall asleep faster and deeper at literally anywhere. I'm at a point in my life where I'm perpetually not getting enough sleep because I'm either so busy with school, work, life that when I do get time, I refuse to waste it on sleep. I take my tired self and I clean the mess that I have created tending to my duties, I eat my favorite foods to treat myself (hehe, Tom Haverford), I watch absurd amounts of YouTube and Netflix, I lay around being awake, absorbing the joy of nothingness. I never get enough sleep and coffee has never felt better. I'm probably lightweight addicted at this point. 

I think about how I don't smoke or drink or do much of anything anymore. I honestly have no craving too and it's amusing to see others go a little excessive on it because I remember when I was like that. When that was the definition of a fun night, but being in a frat taught me that I don't really like using alcohol as social lube, or needing alcohol to have something. I wanted to have something and have alcohol to enhance it. Also, my body can't really handle much of anything anymore. So, I'm not sure if I don't drink that much anymore because I honestly don't want too or because my body can't handle it. I got a hangover recently off two beers. I also got a crazy hangover... arguably my worse or second worse I've ever had off... I couldn't even tell you how much I drank honestly. It was a BBQ held at my place and I gave no fucks. But I slept very little that night.. I don't know what my relationship is with alcohol and it's friends. I don't know a lot of things.

I think about Nick and I. I think about the past and how it still flickers a flame in my chest. I think about the words I will never say to people I will never see again. And I think about all the tiny moments I had with all those people and I'm glad at one point, we saw each other as friends. And I'm not sure how I feel about our relationship now with those people. I don't think I care too much, honestly. People come and go. This is a part of growing up.

When I think like that, or when I think in any manner that is more rational, less temperamental, more slowly, I feel my transformation into.. I'm not really sure. But I know it's not who I was. Before, I was awful.. I got upset easily, I took it out on others, I was needy.. Now I'm much better. 

When I say I am happy being alone, I actually mean it now. I think people who are lonely glorify what it truly means to be alone. But it's not glamorous or amazing or something worth rubbing in the faces of others, it's just being at peace, even with doing nothing. It's nice to be void of that feeling of needing or wanting to be with others in order to feel like I'm enjoying my time. I mean, I'm not turning into a full blown introvert, it's just that when I get into a gap of time where I'm alone, I am not constantly searching for a way to fill it. I love being alone. There is so much to do and only I understand myself best.

My time now is filled naturally and haphazardly. I love it this way. I think less about trying to be doing something to be busy, and am proactively invested into something. I just love being busy. Nick is excited for this idek, 5 month summer? I am already planning to get a jump start on learning about Marketing in the work world. I want to learn so much about working. Man, I'm honestly so excited to get started on my career now that I found something that interests me enough to drive me. I cannot sit around and do nothing.. I just don't feel good.

I think about singing in my car and being in love with Nick. I think about how I don't feel worried like I used too. I think about how this is probably true security. We don't really talk about marriage or any sort of serious topic like that, I feel like it's just implied and we'll tackle adult mountains when we're adults. Even though we aren't in that "adult" phase of lives in our relationship, we're also not in the honeymoon phase anymore.. The hints and reminders of love aren't surprise flowers, or constant dates, it's making sure you're okay and I'm gonna go pick up some soup or chinese food and whatever medication you feel like you need. It's staying near me until I fall asleep because my stomach hurts even though you're not tired. It's.. being mad at me and still cooking me dinner.

I'm shedding a lot of old skin. I honestly feel myself growing more as an adult in all the roles I play in my life. As a daughter. As a sister. As a lover. As a 20 something trying find my niche in the world. Mostly a lot of the last. But I'm becoming more and more happy with my roles as a whole. 

I think about how I get so irritated and push away people who are inconsiderate because I am fed up with people who don't watch out for each other. It just irritates the shit out of me when people are so self absorbed and selfish that when they are being cheap and cutting corners, it's at the expense of others. I just... can't. And I don't want to hurt others and fight fire with fire so if trying to teach through actively showing doesn't work, I just completely reject them. It's a poor way to deal but I don't really care. I'm in my selfish years and I can't give my time to help others get somewhere when I need to get myself to the places I want to be too. I don't know how to properly explain this part of me and my relationships with people. You either get me, or you don't, honestly.  

I think about people who glorify sadness and dark emotions.
I think they're stupid. 

I think about Korean BBQ and fried chicken.

I think about how my hair is in this awkward phase and I don't know if I like it or hate it but I'm too cheap to do anything to it right now.

I think about the things I want.

I think about all the dogs I'm going to own and when I'm going to get specific ones.

I think about all my flaws. 

I think about all the ways I love myself. 

I think of people in my life.

I think of how I want to treat them. Then I treat them that way. 

I think of how when people ask me for advice now, I give them the straight honest truth. At times in my life, I wish others gave me the straight honest truth. 

Right now I am thinking of when I laid in bed with Em and we'd watch weird mermaid videos, talk about cars, play Frisbee, fly kites, play basketball, and other random stuff. I think about how he said he missed me and I remember when I missed him very badly at a point in my life. I think about how he was the only person at a point that actually listened and was angered when he saw me crying and wanted to do something about it. I think back on all the things we did together, and I wonder what happened to that picture of him and my dad checking out my dad's new Tundra. I think back and I feel so lucky to have had such a raw genuine innocent human connection. Life can bless us with the most beautiful things and we don't even know it till it's gone. I think he's the only person who's ever actually wanted to be there when I was hurting rather than felt like it was the right thing to do or felt some sort of moral obligation as a friend. He's taught me many things about being a friend. 

I am always learning from the ones I love because I aspire to be everything I admire about them.
This is probably a huge truth I am living out daily in my life right now. I love the people I surround myself with because I love who they are.

I think about how when I was learning to adapt to this new schedule of little sleep, for 2-3 weeks I took an Advil and drank a cup of coffee every day. 

I think about a lot of things honestly. Simple things. Dark things. Happy things. Boring things. Silly weird things. I mean, all of these themes reflect life so it would only make sense.

I'm never one thing. Who is ever one thing? We go through so many states of mind and thoughts throughout the day.. I just want to collect them all so I can better see who I am at the end of the day. 

Man, I don't even know. I think too much nowadays. I'm glad I can think, though.