I honestly just feel...

GREAT.

I feel so alive and happy. When Nick gave me my iPad for Christmas, he asked me if he felt like I was happier or if my life had gotten better, and when I said no, he said,"good."

I think this is why my MacBook's death isn't really upsetting me. It's just a THING in my life. It cost a lot, and I don't think I'll reinvest in an Apple laptop because 1) they cost too much, 2) all I do is use the internet or write papers, and 3) I can no longer justify such an expensive item, not that I ever could.

I think and have been recording my thoughts on how I have adjusted my life in terms of material things and how I handle my money because it's something I've been working on for a good two years and things are finally settling to how I like them. I really wanted a closet similar to a cartoon character's closet - daily uniforms according to my own "character." It's finally whittling down to something that is simple, and embodies the phrase "less is more."

Sometimes I feel like it's funny how much of an "outfit repeater" (Kate Sanders!) I am but I've worked on building and reducing my closet and the rest of the things I own into things I view as my favorites. Anything else - I want to get rid of or give to someone who will utilize it more than I do. I've noticed that the second I get a shirt I really love, all the old shirts I used to wear on some sort of normal basis, become untouched... for years even. Just deadweight I am lugging around in this transition period of my life where I feel like I won't settle down for a while - so I want to live lightly and simply. It's not like I need or want a lot of things anyways. :)

I feel like not much can beat my stride nowadays. I feel so excited for the future now that I have a direction I want to pursue. I remember when I entered college thinking, law school is the destination and just the idea of taking a break would just beg me to question,"WHY?!" Now, I really need a break. I'm giving myself a year off of school for some self-discovery in terms of the work world. I've been in school for nearly 2 decades and know nothing about working. After that year, I'm going to decide whether I should go for my Master's or continue working on my career.

Either way, if I do decide to go back to school again, I really do need a break from this studying. UCSD has beaten me down. I've never studied so hard in my life to be subpar. It was disheartening in the beginning because I felt like such a failure, putting in so much work, and not having my scores reflect my effort. Now, I understand that school right now isn't for me, that I do have potential, I just need to realize this is something I'm bad at, so I'm going to finish this up, and go be good at something.

My relationships in my life currently are just perfect. I feel like I'm on good terms with my family, my friends, and most of all, Nick. When Nick and I first started dating, for the first year and more, our fights frequently weekly and we just made each other miserable. Now, I think we know how to handle each other better.. or better said, he knows how to handle my immature temper tantrums which have simmered down into just little upset moments better. We honestly.. hardly ever fight anymore, to the point where I'm glad to say we just disagree. We're not the same people, I don't think we'll ever be the same people. But we co-exist together so nicely. I think our relationship and differences are best represented in a quote from Modern Family:

“‎'There are dreamers and there are realists in this world, you think the dreamers would find the dreamers and the realists would find the realists, but more often than not the opposite is true. See the dreamers need the realists to keep the dreamers from soaring too close to the sun. And the realists? Well without the dreamers, they might not ever get off the ground”

I talk to my parents more in general, and more openly. I talk to my sister nearly everyday and she's 3 years younger, but she's always a wise voice in my life when I'm feeling down and don't really need someone to give me pity, but just slap me with that hand of reality that says, things are seriously okay. People fail all the time, and continue to do great things. Or just move on. Or just random words give you a dose of hope even though they're not huge uplifting speeches. They're perfect interjections of an uplifting reality check in my life. I'm so glad I got her as my sister.

As for my friends, there really isn't that many anymore. I know a lot of people, something that comes with being in a frat, but I think in terms of down-to-earth, drive-8-hours-if-you-really-need-me friends, it's a small group. But it's so stable. I'm a natural introvert, so for me to find bonds with people, it's a really great feat. Especially when they can understand my humor and just deal with me being me, without being repulsed... I mean, honestly. What gems. I can't and shouldn't need to say any more.

I'm glad there are no longer any toxic people in my life now. It took me a while to come up with the right word to describe that type of person in my life. Because they're not necessarily evil, because evil or bad people have malicious intent, and they didn't always have that. They just poisoned my life with unhappy feelings, events, or just their presence. Acting like an active volcano, spewing itself all over my thoughts, feelings, and mental health. I'm pretty good at eliminating or preventing future "toxic" people from entering or holding any sort of role in my life now. I'm like a selective dam, brick walls for those who bring no joy.

I don't really know how to end this so I'm just going to spew a bunch of stuff that is currently making me happy. This new sweater I got. How clean my car is. Nick. My little. Fried chicken. The sun. Radio. Classroom conversations.