I am probably the worst at focusing when it comes to studying now. I'm not even sure why, I just can't absorb.

I find myself in this gray area where I'm carving myself into the person I want to be. Life keeps me so busy that I can't really find anytime to focus on what internal work I want to do because everything outside of my control is currently taking the reins to my life.

I feel excited for so much. I want to work more, so I can buy the things I want. I want to finish school so I can start learning about working. I'm so tired of studying. I want to see more places and just make my life feel like an overstuffed burrito that's just brimming with opportunities for myself to indulge in.

But right now, I'm unfortunately stuck in a bufferzone of two stages. It's a really miserable stage. The more I am in school, the more I realize - holy shit, dude... this is so not for me. It makes me feel miserable and even though I do enjoy the things I'm learning sometimes, now that I'm in upper division courses, I kind of miss general ed classes where there's things outside of demand, supply, GDP, utitlity..

Besides that, I'm thank for the people in my life. I used to be, and still can be, really resentful towards people that are in my past now.. or are gently floating in and out of my present. I had this warped mentality that these people owed me something, like people are something you invest in just to get something bad. Now that I'm older, and I hope wiser, I realize it's really not like that. We are all in this perpetual self-discovering area right now where our ideals, morals, beliefs, loves, change constantly. And if you want people to forgive yourself for something in your past, you have to let the past of other's no longer define them as well. Am I right, or am I right? I'm always open to learn more.

The people in my life right now, the ones that I hold close, are people, for the first time in a really long time, I could really talk too. There's not as many people as before, but it's almost better this way. I feel like I'm holding less inside of me, I feel less troubled, and I find sleep better than I have my entire life. I look back on those nights when I was feeling so frustrated.. so alone, surrounded by people, but still no one to really talk too. I appreciate the ones that did, but there's a difference between feeling like you need to be there for someone, and actually wanting to be there for someone.

Every day I am learning more and more about the person I want to be through myself and others. Nick and Elise are constant role models in my life that help me learn more about myself.

Don't get me wrong though, my demons are still alive, although I'm starving them as much as I can.